Like Diamonds…

Loved One and I took Sweet Child to a regularly schedualed Dr appointment today.

We were informed that although Sweet Child doesn’t need a feeding tube yet it’s only a matter of time and we need to get used to the idea.

S.Child was gainning weight and got sick two days ago and is now not eating again. We were doing so well. I just don’t feel like I can take this. On top of that I’ve been reading about other peole and thier suffering and deaths and triumphs.

Can I really be strong enough for this? I don’t want to have to be this strong! When I was a child I always said I was going to grow up to be big and strong. I thought if I grew tall enough and was physically strong enough I wouldn’t ever get hurt. Now I know the worst pains can’t be avioded by physical prowess.

We came home for lunch and I tryed to talk, and pleade with Sweet Child to eat. Just to tast. Nothing.

This is beyond me. How do I save my child?

Change We Didn’t Choose

I’m tired…

H1N1, you know what I mean. It’s out there…in here…around and over there… everywhere…

Will the vaccination help us avoid it or will there be shedding? Will Loved One get it at work from the others who already have it? Will Sweet Child get it from me? Will I get it…at the grocery store… at the Dr. office where I got the vaccination… from Loved One?

I’m tired of being scared. I’m tired of having to think about SO MUCH. I’m tired of know that “it only kills people with underlying conditions” underlying conditions like the one Sweet Child has.

I want to run away somewhere warmer and sunny and very very very clean. I’m tired of knowing about germs and calories and not meeting expectations. Expectations that are based on conditions I can’t control.

There’s a  lead balloon inflating at the center of me. It’s full of sticky clay. I’m weighed down.

The new shower head will help Sweet Child stay healthy…It’s solid brass…

It’s okay.
I miss our old shower/life.

Took a Walk the Other Day

The world is so beautiful.

Behind My Home. . . .

Tired

Sometimes I really wonder if I can continue to roll with the punches or if the next one will knock me out completely.

So, far I’m still here. How do I start feeling in control and satisfied? Since my diagnosis at the beginning of Aug. I just feel like my life is falling apart. It’s not that I’m all that bad off I guess I just can’t get past the feeling that I’m not good enough. And lots of the time I feel I’m not good enough for Loved One. If Loved One ever left me I think I would snap. Still I sometimes wonder if Loved One wouldn’t be better off without me.

I’m so tired.

Lets Try

If I could escape to anywhere in the world? A warm sunny beach with very few other people around. I think I’d try the east coast so I could watch the sun rise while I comb the beach for interesting shells and things.

Favorite local escape? The mountains, or any hike in the local canyons. No time, a drive through the Canyon will nearly do the trick.

How do you escape on a budget? Stroll through the tropical green house.

Beauty Found Today

I said I’d do my part and I’m starting right now. I stepped out into my yard and took these photos just moments ago. The bees were the most fun to capture images of.

I’ll Do My Part

I ask for happiness and now I’m prepared to do what I can to make it happen.
Art can help me be happy.
I enjoy photography as a hobby. I am going to begin posting the pictures there that I think are beautiful. Only the ones I’ve taken and havn’t posted already.

Can’t take it today.

I just want to cry. I should be happy because needed medical equipment arrived for Sweet Child today. But all I want to do is get away.
i think Loved One has been feeling the same way. LO has been looking for travel deals on-line on a daily basis. it’s hard to believe how difficult this is.
And it’s hard to believe how little I understood only 5 months ago. 5 months ago what were dealing with wasn’t really a possibility. It couldn’t happen it would be like playing the “what if” game. What if Sweet child is diagnosed with a terminal chronic illness? What if Loved One needs invasive medical treatment to continue a normal life. What if I then wind up in the hospital for a condition even the doctors can’t believe I have because I just shouldn’t have it. What if all of this gets in the way of the desire Loved One and I have of expanding our family? What if we go broke or bankrupt because of circumstances that were truly beyond our control. What if I just can’t do this anymore? What if I think I need help but am ashamed to admit it and wouldn’t know where to get help anyway?
I know that no one can understand because no one is in our exact shoes. Others have their problems and I can’t understand them. But I know people are trying to understand and help, and I am trying to understand them and help.
This is so hard! Why does it have to be so up and down. I just want to go up and up and up. But then I fall into these slumps and I feel overwhelmed and sad and powerless. Life doesn’t have to be perfect but I would like to be happy most of the time anyway.