My heart ache is mostly about our next child/children. We have one Sweet Child but were always planning on having at least one more.
It’s so different than how I feel things should be. We’re fertile. Loved One and I could get pregnant any month we choose. The problem is a genetic defect we both carry. Sweet Child has it and any other children we have will have a 25% change of getting it, or a 50% chance of being a carrier of the defect like Loved One and I.
Some people will consider us very selfish and irresponsible if we have another child without actively preventing this genetic defect. And honestly I’d really like to avoid giving it to another child, it’s heartbreaking.
We can’t afford to actively prevent it. It would be like buying a second house. It’s also heartbreaking to realize that we may have to choose infertility. It’s hard to think that the best thing you can do is choosing another thing you don’t want.
This is hardest at night. At night I lay quietly beside Loved One and I don’t cry but my heart longs for the children that can but won’t be.
Last night I was out with the gang. We each have our own problems. Everything from messy divorce with a custody battle, to a longed for son who will die as soon as he’s born. My problem seems so small, I wished I could somehow express myself and get some emotional support. I knew I would only sound pathetic.
Then when I got home Loved One and I sat side by side and I wanted to tell. I wanted to say how hard it is that things aren’t going the way I thought they would. But there was nothing to say. Loved One is hurt by it too. There was nothing talking could do to ease our pain. So, we said “I love you.”
We were considering other options for a while but now there are new medical concerns for Loved One and I. There’s no way we can even make the decision to just go for it and take our chances with 25%. There’s no way we can do that until February 2010. Maybe by then we’ll both be okay with Sweet Child being an only child. Maybe I won’t start hopping again that an accidental pregnancy will pleasantly surprise us.
A Place for Tears 