Tired

Sometimes I really wonder if I can continue to roll with the punches or if the next one will knock me out completely.

So, far I’m still here. How do I start feeling in control and satisfied? Since my diagnosis at the beginning of Aug. I just feel like my life is falling apart. It’s not that I’m all that bad off I guess I just can’t get past the feeling that I’m not good enough. And lots of the time I feel I’m not good enough for Loved One. If Loved One ever left me I think I would snap. Still I sometimes wonder if Loved One wouldn’t be better off without me.

I’m so tired.

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Lets Try

If I could escape to anywhere in the world? A warm sunny beach with very few other people around. I think I’d try the east coast so I could watch the sun rise while I comb the beach for interesting shells and things.

Favorite local escape? The mountains, or any hike in the local canyons. No time, a drive through the Canyon will nearly do the trick.

How do you escape on a budget? Stroll through the tropical green house.

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Beauty Found Today

I said I’d do my part and I’m starting right now. I stepped out into my yard and took these photos just moments ago. The bees were the most fun to capture images of.

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I’ll Do My Part

I ask for happiness and now I’m prepared to do what I can to make it happen.
Art can help me be happy.
I enjoy photography as a hobby. I am going to begin posting the pictures there that I think are beautiful. Only the ones I’ve taken and havn’t posted already.

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Can’t take it today.

I just want to cry. I should be happy because needed medical equipment arrived for Sweet Child today. But all I want to do is get away.
i think Loved One has been feeling the same way. LO has been looking for travel deals on-line on a daily basis. it’s hard to believe how difficult this is.
And it’s hard to believe how little I understood only 5 months ago. 5 months ago what were dealing with wasn’t really a possibility. It couldn’t happen it would be like playing the “what if” game. What if Sweet child is diagnosed with a terminal chronic illness? What if Loved One needs invasive medical treatment to continue a normal life. What if I then wind up in the hospital for a condition even the doctors can’t believe I have because I just shouldn’t have it. What if all of this gets in the way of the desire Loved One and I have of expanding our family? What if we go broke or bankrupt because of circumstances that were truly beyond our control. What if I just can’t do this anymore? What if I think I need help but am ashamed to admit it and wouldn’t know where to get help anyway?
I know that no one can understand because no one is in our exact shoes. Others have their problems and I can’t understand them. But I know people are trying to understand and help, and I am trying to understand them and help.
This is so hard! Why does it have to be so up and down. I just want to go up and up and up. But then I fall into these slumps and I feel overwhelmed and sad and powerless. Life doesn’t have to be perfect but I would like to be happy most of the time anyway.

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